Ask any woman what her “problem areas” are and she’ll easily rattle off a list. As a woman in one of my workshops blurted out, “What isn’t a problem area?!” Ask the same group of women to list what they love about their bodies, and you’ll be met with fewer and quieter answers. Affirmations alone only go so far – and initially, the words fall on deaf ears. She doesn’t believe it. She’s been deflecting compliments her whole life. So, it takes time. I want to get to the root. Show me the easy way. I prefer strategies that won’t take weeks or months to see results. The short-cut is through the body herself.
A surefire way to fall in love with our body again is to get to know her intimately, and treat her with love and tenderness, as you would a lover. Clarissa Pinkola Estés, in The Joyous Body, refers to the body as your most loyal consort, a lover who will never leave your side. The brain can discount words. But loving attention to the body through physical touch soaks into the cells. Hits us at a cellular level of body intelligence that bypasses the brain. And although the occasional spa day is a nice self-love oasis, lasting transformation takes practice. Start talking consistent self-care to a woman who’s running on empty, however, and her eyes glaze over. To her ears, it sounds like another “to do” on a list that’s already miles long – which is why I’m all about tweaking what women already do every day.
Here are my top 3 do-able, daily practices that I teach my clients, to re-introduce them to their magical, gorgeous bodies. To clarify, I am not prescribing yet another something to feel guilty about if you don’t get to it every day. Take it easy. Do what speaks to you. You know your body best. (And she knows better than you. Trust in her.)
1) Reclaim your morning shower.
You know those shower scenes in movies targeted primarily to young men, where women – ahem – thoroughly enjoy their shower, spending an inordinate amount of time fondling their breasts? Although laughable, there is something valuable to learn here. (Stay with me!) Many of us rush through a shower with utilitarian fervor, getting in and out as quickly as possible. But how often do you have unencumbered time alone, naked and wet? This is an opportunity to enjoy ALL your senses, my friends! It doesn’t need to be a long shower – though I do recommend slowing the pace of hand over skin. Enjoy the scent rising in the steam, the feel of water running over skin, your hands on your body… Savor the feel of skin on skin.
Put on a sexy tune and swivel your hips as you soap up and rinse… You may feel a little silly, and that’s perfect. Once, in a workshop, I lowered the lights and we practiced this tool to Let’s Get It On by Marvin Gaye. Giggles abounded. Bingo! That’s what I’m talking about. Finally, don’t compromise. Tune in to exactly what cleanser feels best on your skin, which smells refresh or bewitch you… For me, all-natural soap scented with essential oils does the trick. This is not the place to skimp, nor does it need to be expensive. Just: EXACTLY what you want.
2) Anoint your body slower than slow.
Many of us moisturize post-shower. Be it lotion or oil, whatever makes you feel most luscious, here is the tool: Apply your moisturizer slower than slow.
As in, begin applying s-l-o-w-l-y – and then, go half that speed. (This may be a daily evening practice.)
For bonus points: Witness your beauty. Get in front of the mirror and watch yourself.
The first time I did this, I saw my hand travel slowly down the length of a thigh I spent most of my life berating as “too big for shorts.” I took in the graceful curve of my leg, the fine bones of my hand, the sensual drag of one over the other… Tears shook my shoulders.
Now, not a day goes by that I don’t anoint some part of my body with frankincense and myrrh.
By slowing down and watching your reflection, you can no longer rush past appreciation.
3) Take a moment’s pause.
(Post- or pre-shower, your choice). The third tool’s purpose is twofold.
First, before rip-roaring into clothes and dashing out the door, or rushing out of bed upon waking, putting a spacer into your day expands your relationship with time. (All 3 tools do this).
There is no better antidote to “I don’t have time” than taking an extra moment before, in or after your shower, or slowly applying moisturizer. It sends the message to your cells: “I have more than enough time,” immediately decreasing stress and bringing you present.
Secondly, we are multi-tasking madwomen; in fact, it is one of our superpowers. The con to this pro is that we can easily flit from task to task right through to exhaustion if we don’t consciously insert time to rest, pause, and ground back into our bodies. Physical touch grounds us as women
That’s right… I’m telling you to touch yourself. 😉 And yes, you can do that too, or lay a hand on belly, or cup hand over elbow, or rub the back of your neck in an impromptu self-massage.
Like in the shower, get comfortable. Enjoy the touch of skin to skin. Pleasure is our secret sauce, our fuel. What makes us irresistible. Through touch, explore your body and your senses. As one of my mentors, Mama Gena, puts it: Become a pleasure researcher. What areas of your body are most sensitive? What feels good? Savor your sensual shower. Moisturize slowly and deliberately. Pause and ground yourself with touch. Do this on the regular… And watch your appreciation for your luscious body grow!
The other day I was having a beautiful, intimate conversation with two dear friends and colleagues. One had a sensitive question around flirting.
She and her husband had made great friends with another married couple, and they were spending tons of time together. She flirted easily with the male counterpart of their new friends… and then started to worry. Would a line be crossed? Was she being “too much”?
Now mind you, no lines had been crossed. No secret meetings or anything untoward had happened, or would. In fact, Joel (let’s call him that) would do stuff with Amy (let’s call her that) that her husband wouldn’t do, like attend the local ballroom dance class – you know, like without having to imbibe something alcoholic first. The conversation would go like this: all four are at dinner on Friday night. Amy announces to the table, “Joel. Salsa. Thursday.” And Joel says, “Deal. What time?”
As far as I could tell, the flirting was equal opportunity. Everyone enjoyed everyone’s company. And no, not in a swinging, wife-swapping kind of way (although I have no problem with that when all parties enthusiastically consent). They were flirting the way I define flirting: thoroughly enjoying themselves in the company of each other, with no ulterior, subterranean motive other than sheer pleasure.
And oh yes, it’s sexy and playful and fun. Does it mean that she’s drawing away from her husband? No. Does it mean that her pleasure flirting with one robs her relationship with the other? No.
To flirt is to shine your whole light in the presence of another, to allow them to witness and play in your radiance. Your light includes every aspect, including your sensuality. Your joy in your skin.
This is what was happening. And Amy was starting to feel uncomfortable with just how much fun she was having flirting with this guy, Joel. She was feeling affirmed in her attractiveness as a woman. Her magnetic power. And it was starting to freak her out.
I was reminded of a young, doe-eyed woman who took my Bellydance and the Art of Flirtation workshop at an outdoor yoga festival. When I asked if anyone had any questions, she shouted out, “Yes, can you keep going? I don’t want this to end!” She hugged me after the workshop, confessing, “I haven’t felt like this since before my babies were born.”
The thing is, we’ve been taught since we were little that there is something… unseemly… about an openly flirtatious woman. A flirtatious man is a charmer. A lady-killer. (We won’t even delve into the repercussions of that term… subject matter for a whole ‘nother article).
A flirtatious woman is “asking for the wrong kind of attention.” Less than. Even dangerous.
She is shamed for being so outspoken in the public display of her pleasure. For enjoying the innocent spark and interplay between herself and another person. Keyword: innocent.
I am always reminded of that scene in the movie, The Witches of Eastwick, when Susan Sarandon’s character meanders through her shopping, expounding out loud on how delicious these cookies are (“double double chocolate are to die for”), and squeezing and smelling the fruit. She’s in ankle socks and heels, a pink tank dress and little else. She is a woman thoroughly in her pleasure and is literally flirting with everyone in sight. At the register, the cashier hisses under her breath, “Slut,” punctuating the t. Susan drops her basket and backs out of the store, while another woman in line intones, “She’s not… wearing… a bra.” Of course, in the plot it’s not just her actions in the supermarket that garner her the women’s scorn, but she – a pleasure-filled, enjoying-life character who has been sexually awakened – is openly shamed for not behaving “appropriately.” She’s “too much,” and punished for it.
Note: Flirting is also an act of vulnerability.
There are limits placed on a woman’s flirting. It’s tolerated when she’s young and single… But once she is of “a certain age,” or married, or a mother, she believes she must put such foolish behaviors away and get serious. (*snore*). Besides, her mother didn’t flirt, right? (Ha, ha). Good girls don’t flirt… overly much, at least. She’s no longer trying to attract a mate so… why flirt?
Ah, why flirt. One may as well ask, why meditate, why eat nourishing food, why move your body?
Flirting is as important to our wellbeing as any of these things because pleasure is like food for the woman’s soul. And flirting is the simple act of being in your pleasure – owning your own beauty – in the presence of another human being. Being totally and fully present in this, your divine sensual feminine body.
Your body doesn’t end at the tips of your fingers, the bottoms of your feet or the top of your head… Your body casts its energetic glow over everyone whose path you cross.
I learned this on stage as a bellydancer. The dancers who captivated me, who held my gaze above all others were not necessarily the ones with the most experience – that master dancer who could isolate a single muscle or send a wave of emotion with a crease of her brow. I could be just as captivated by a “baby” bellydancer, rocking the three moves that she knows. The key was her total groundedness in her body, her comfort and rampant joy in her own skin. Her pleasure – whether it is a happy or heartbreaking song. And her total lack of attachment to whether we paid her any mind. Ultimately, this was for her. Not you. (You just had the privilege to witness her!)
This is what was happening. And Amy was starting to feel uncomfortable with just how much fun she was having flirting with this guy, Joel. She was feeling affirmed in her attractiveness as a woman. Her magnetic power. And it was starting to freak her out.
I was reminded of a young, doe-eyed woman who took my Bellydance and the Art of Flirtation workshop at an outdoor yoga festival. When I asked if anyone had any questions, she shouted out, “Yes, can you keep going? I don’t want this to end!” She hugged me after the workshop, confessing, “I haven’t felt like this since before my babies were born.”
The thing is, we’ve been taught since we were little that there is something… unseemly… about an openly flirtatious woman. A flirtatious man is a charmer. A lady-killer. (We won’t even delve into the repercussions of that term… subject matter for a whole ‘nother article).
A flirtatious woman is “asking for the wrong kind of attention.” Less than. Even dangerous.
She is shamed for being so outspoken in the public display of her pleasure. For enjoying the innocent spark and interplay between herself and another person. Keyword: innocent.
I am always reminded of that scene in the movie, The Witches of Eastwick, when Susan Sarandon’s character meanders through her shopping, expounding out loud on how delicious these cookies are (“double double chocolate are to die for”), and squeezing and smelling the fruit. She’s in ankle socks and heels, a pink tank dress and little else. She is a woman thoroughly in her pleasure and is literally flirting with everyone in sight. At the register, the cashier hisses under her breath, “Slut,” punctuating the t. Susan drops her basket and backs out of the store, while another woman in line intones, “She’s not… wearing… a bra.” Of course, in the plot it’s not just her actions in the supermarket that garner her the women’s scorn, but she – a pleasure-filled, enjoying-life character who has been sexually awakened – is openly shamed for not behaving “appropriately.” She’s “too much,” and punished for it.
Note: Flirting is also an act of vulnerability.
There are limits placed on a woman’s flirting. It’s tolerated when she’s young and single… But once she is of “a certain age,” or married, or a mother, she believes she must put such foolish behaviors away and get serious. (*snore*). Besides, her mother didn’t flirt, right? (Ha, ha). Good girls don’t flirt… overly much, at least. She’s no longer trying to attract a mate so… why flirt?
Ah, why flirt. One may as well ask, why meditate, why eat nourishing food, why move your body?
Flirting is as important to our wellbeing as any of these things because pleasure is like food for the woman’s soul. And flirting is the simple act of being in your pleasure – owning your own beauty – in the presence of another human being. Being totally and fully present in this, your divine sensual feminine body.
Your body doesn’t end at the tips of your fingers, the bottoms of your feet or the top of your head… Your body casts its energetic glow over everyone whose path you cross.
I learned this on stage as a bellydancer. The dancers who captivated me, who held my gaze above all others were not necessarily the ones with the most experience – that master dancer who could isolate a single muscle or send a wave of emotion with a crease of her brow. I could be just as captivated by a “baby” bellydancer, rocking the three moves that she knows. The key was her total groundedness in her body, her comfort and rampant joy in her own skin. Her pleasure – whether it is a happy or heartbreaking song. And her total lack of attachment to whether we paid her any mind. Ultimately, this was for her. Not you. (You just had the privilege to witness her!)
How this translated for me as a performer? It wasn’t until I gave up the need to please, gave up my attachment to what reaction or accolades I might get through my performance, fostered my own ease and enjoyment in my body, and showed up as myself, without apology, that I really began to own the stage. And it worked, whether my audience was a dozen or hundreds – I was, am, captivating. (It’s not a magical elixir unique to me; every woman has access to this magic).
Flirting is how I keep my juices flowing. When I flirt with the bus boy at a local taqueria, I have no desire or intention to take him home with me. (I’m quite happy with my hubby, thanks.) I don’t even really expect or intend for him to shower me with extra-special service (although, usually, he does, when met with the full radiant force of my undivided positive presence. Yep, I’m that good. You are too.) That is just a side perk. It is their privilege to witness you in your pleasure, and maybe even flirt back! But there is no expectation, no attachment.
The point isn’t some end result that I’m manipulating someone into providing, through my magnetic feminine wiles. (Could I do that? Of course. But I choose to use my power for good). The point is the act of flirting. Which, in and of itself, is innocent.
Flirting is a spiritual act. An expression of generosity, beaming your sacred presence at another human soul. It is a ritual of abundance. An unveiling of your pleasure and presence. It is a practice for tapping your infinite, feminine power. Flirting turns you on, recharges your batteries, keeps you in the vortex, fills your cup. Because you, my love, by flirting, fill the cups of everyone who encounters you. And there ain’t NO shame in that. It’s a freaking public service, for Pete’s sake.
You, flirting, make the world a better place. I write that in total seriousness.
Try it. I dare you. 😉 Flirt in the most unlikely of places. Flirt without wanting anything at all. Flirt for the fun of it. Witness the fears that come up (because they will), just as they did for Amy. Just as they did for the doe-eyed woman who buried her flirtatious nature when she became a mom. Just as they did for me as I learned how to harness my power on stage.
Witness, too, the sheer pleasure of flirting, of embracing your natural, magnetic power.
You may find that once you let your flirting genie out of the lamp, you may never want to send her back into hiding!
I – and your Shameless sisters – want to hear all about it. Come on over to the Shameless Movement Facebook group and: Brag your favorite flirty story… And share your sensitive questions…
Where could a little more flirting light up your day… and someone else’s day?
